(July 4, 1854 – Aug. 31, 2020)
Let us have a moment of silence to remember dear beloved Omaha, which passed away at the ripe old age of 166.
Omaha provided its Nebraska family with more people, more non-farm animals (thanks Henry Doorly Zoo), more crime, 98% of urban hills and 99% of potholes that could easily engulf any soccer mom’s SUV than any other city in the state.
Even at Omaha’s age, its death was unexpected, quick and rather messy.
In hindsight, it should have been easy to predict.
Who would have imagined that when the Omaha Storm Chasers announced its “Take Meowt to the Ballgame” night that things would have ended well?
On the surface, this had the makings of some of the biggest baseball promotional blunders combined.
Take “10 Cent Beer Night,” pair it with “Disco Demolition Night” and on top of that sprinkle … cats. Lots and lots of cats.
This wasn’t going to be a common “Bark at the Park” promotion that annually occurs around major and minor league baseball.
At these nights, man’s best friend is invited to take in a baseball game.
Sitting there panting and drooling in the heat, looking around for a nice, cold drink … it’s nice when the average baseball fan can do this alongside his or her dog.
But in case you haven’t noticed, cats aren’t dogs.
They are independent. They are needy. They are evil. And they have nine lives, and you shouldn’t bring them to a sporting event with as many frames as they have lives.
And yet the Storm Chasers invited cat owners to bring them to a game, as long as they were on a leash or in a cat kennel.
So cats were invited to come to the slowest-paced sporting event this side of curling and to be restrained the whole time.
The ensuing cat uprising that took out Omaha was to be expected. It’s a little-known fact that the entire “Planet of the Apes” franchise was funded by a secret cat cabal to deflect human suspicion on which animals would overtake us towards the harmless monkeys of the world.
The kitties decided this was their time to make their move.
A cat obstacle course was no diversion. Cats have mastered the obstacle course known as their humans’ legs whenever their poor two-legged underlings are trying to navigate anywhere around the house.
Cats have been toying with us for years. All of those hairballs and vomit that they’ve forced us to clean up haven’t been accidents.
Do we really think that cats are dumb enough to eat the green top of a pineapple without knowing what the consequences will be?
When the cats decided to rebel, it was quick and ugly. A couple of felines sunning themselves on the bases was just a cute diversion.
Then the loud meows started, the claws came out and fur started flying.
Soon enough Warner Park was overrun by cats. And they didn’t stop there.
It took just a matter of hours before independent, needy, evil cats had transformed poor Omaha into a pile of kibbles and bits.
Sadly, Omaha’s passing could have been prevented.
There is a reason that there is the stigma of being a “cat lady” if you allow more than a couple of these devious critters to live in your home.
There is a reason that we have dog parks but not cat parks. You try to limit crime bosses’ communications with the outside world while they are in captivity.
It’s too late now. Omaha is gone and is survived by many sibling cities and towns around the state.
And don’t expect any of them to feature cats at a baseball game anytime soon.
Dale Miller is a sports writer for the Independent. Once a week he wanders away from the sports department to offer his take on non-sports related topics. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org