Does everybody else have a burning case of impeachmentmania?

It is a rare occasion to be able to witness impeachment hearings for a United States president, but here we are. And with the ratings president, Donald Trump, as the subject, these are guaranteed to be the biggest, best impeachment hearings ever.

I guarantee the ratings will dwarf those of the impeachment hearings of either Andrew Johnson or Bill Clinton. Even Google let me down trying to track down the TV figures for the Johnson hearings, but I can’t imagine they were that great since the United States’ population was just over 32 million back then.

That leaves Clinton as the competition, and we all know that Trump trumps Clintons. Plus, it is nice that these hearings won’t need to carry a TV-14 rating due to talk about dresses and what “is” is.

This is must-see-TV, even though we all know how it is going to end.

The “Sports Illustrated” prediction of the Cleveland Browns making the Super Bowl is more likely to occur than the votes in the House of Representatives and (if necessary) Senate not going nearly purely along party lines.

Same outcome

So after all is said and done, the House will impeach President Trump and the Senate will acquit, the same outcome as those trials for Johnson and Clinton.

I’m starting to think that the impeachment process is like ineffective parenting.

Being impeached by the House is sending your child to his room (unfortunately, we haven’t had any daughters yet in this analogy). Being acquitted by the Senate is not taking away smartphones, laptops, gaming systems or TVs from his room while he’s confined to it.

Richard Nixon would have lost those privileges, but he ran away from home before facing his punishment.

Just as predictable as the outcome will be the reactions throughout the twists and turns throughout the seemingly endless testimony.

Just like the votes, the public opinion will all come down to whether you are Team Red or Team Blue.

Do you believe that the Democrats are a bunch of donkeys (family-friendly version of the animal’s name) who keep braying about false charges because they hate this administration … and America, too?

Do you believe that while elephants never forget, the Republicans in this administration sure do whenever they need to recall details from any questionable conversations … of which there have been many?

Pity the poor soap opera

Whoever you root for, don’t forget the true victims of the impeachment hearings — the fans of daytime television.

Soap operas will be hit hard by postponements due to the hearings, possibly the hardest since the heyday of the O.J. Simpson murder trial (possibly the last time such a clearly guilty man was ultimately found innocent, some are saying).

How are we expected to move on as a country if Donald Trump faces justice before Valentin Cassadine on “General Hospital?”

Will we have an explosion in the pet population if Drew Carey isn’t providing us a daily reminder on “The Price is Right” to have our pets spayed or neutered?

The one clear positive that I can find out of this whole impeachment process is that it is bringing back Latin. The phrase “quid pro quo” is in contention for word(s) of the year.

This is helping promote learning another language more than anything besides the once-in-a-generation Spanish song that hits it big in the United States — “La Bamba,” “Rico Suave,” “Macarena” or “Living La Vida Loca.” The wall to keep those earworms south of the border hasn’t been invented yet.

Whatever your thoughts, it is best to just sit back and wonder at the marvel of impeachmentmania. One week down, many more to go.

Dale Miller is a sports writer for the Independent. Once a week he wanders away from the sports department to offer his take on non-sports related topics. Email him at dale.miller@theindependent.com

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